I’ve been back in Haiti now for 2 weeks. The variance in my emotions and perceptions are as dichotomous as the extremes of this strange land I now call home. After spending two months in the US, coming back to Haiti was a stark contrast and the experience beat me down rather pungently. On the day following my return I came to realize that several things had been stolen from the clinic including the patient money fund and my tent. My bicycle had also been broken and lies surrounding its demise were quick to be told. The torrent of emotions and events were unsettling to say the least and I truly desired to escape. The first few mornings back I lay in bed and prayed that the darkness would stay longer so that I could sleep the more. Back in the States I had grown accustomed to luxuries and comforts that just fail to exist in a climate such as Haiti. The hardest thing to give up (again) was surely my gift of self. Some will understand this concept, yet to others it might remain an abstract concept. The best way I know to explain is the sacrificial death of one’s owns desires for the good of the community. In the US everything is geared towards me: what I want, when I want and how I want it. Here in Haiti life is much different. One is no longer sheltered and sedated from the harshness, brutality and exquisite beauty of the rawness life serves to the vast majority of the world. Even to eat an orange without sharing causes piercing stabs to the heart. So many have so little, why have we been blessed with so much? Questions that have no answer arise from the soul and swirl through the brain before evaporating into the mytherial clouds above.
In time I came to love this state of affairs again and felt myself slipping into a greater cause; a being far greater that I had lost sight of over the preceding weeks. I will not try to persuade you or myself that I am a good person or that I might occasionally perform acts of kindness. Notions such as good & bad seem to be values attributed by the viewer and often more a manifestation of circumstance than of character. Frequently I become frustrated by the overwhelming need of the mountain people I now live among. Whether the disturbance arises from the constant requests or from my inability to meet such needs has yet to be determined. What has occurred though over the past two weeks is nothing short of a metamorphosis of sorts. My feelings have evolved from futility to hope and after a few days of being back in the “Land of Spirits” I began to fall in love with this weird and wonderful place all over again. The beauty returned as the light began to overtake the darkness. So often this landscape of people and mountains is a reflection of my own inward self; an eternal mirror that echoes the deepest secrets of my soul.
Coming back this time was the harshest transition yet, but at least it was short as it was painful. Having my parents return with me the first week back was a great experience within itself. After one year they finally got a chance to see “my world” and now put faces and memories where only empty words existed before. Their support has always been so helpful and having them here to share my passion and frustration was invaluable. After a week they left having seen many sides of Haiti: the beautiful, the dreadful and everything in between. As they departed my brother Jeff came to visit along with his daughter, Tori, and several others whom I now call close friends. Things began flowing much more smoothly and everyone was extremely helpful around the clinic. This place is now cleaner than ever and might even soon resemble a home if we are not careful. Towards the end of the week we were all getting a bit tired and we definitely reached the exhaustion barrier as we arrived for dinner at the UN on Sat night about 9pm. As they departed Sunday morning, I picked up another team and the saga began all over again.
On Sat morning I ran into a good friend at the beach in Cayes-Jacmel and the half day rest did me good. It’s hard to relax around here with so much going on, but I have hope that these seeds we are planting will reach far into the future long after I am gone. The primary school we are beginning to build will be another legacy we shall leave behind and I am committed to making sure it is built before I go. I’ll be here till Christmas and then plan on returning to the US and beginning my Family Medicine residency next summer. Perhaps I might return to Haiti for a few months in the spring, or maybe I’ll finally go to Ghana (West Africa) and volunteer with Dr Addo. One year ago I was dreading a residency, but now I look forward to the opportunity. Often there are medical cases in which I wish I was equipped with a greater skill set to intervene. More than anything though I look forward to being responsible for less and will be happy to hand these heavy reins over to someone else. The Haitian doctor whom I’m working with is eager to accept more responsibilities and I’m praying that he will take the role that we (Kyle & I) have played over the past year. I am happy to be of service and a medium but I often grow tired as well. This seesaw game of life is quite the roller coaster ride that never seems to end. Thus is life in Haiti. It shall be as beautiful or dark as I choose to believe, may the heavens grant light and strength to stay the way and hold the path. As these thoughts float through my mind the words flow forth from my fingers and I sit amidst a cloud above the laughter of children; my mind content, my body weary and my heart hopeful.